{"id":41221,"date":"2020-12-31T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2020-12-31T07:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/4000mil.se\/?p=41221"},"modified":"2020-12-31T16:03:30","modified_gmt":"2020-12-31T15:03:30","slug":"hej-da-2020-for-mig-var-du-inte-samst-anda","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/4000mil.se\/index.php\/hej-da-2020-for-mig-var-du-inte-samst-anda\/","title":{"rendered":"Hej d\u00e5 2020 – f\u00f6r mig var du inte s\u00e4mst \u00e4nd\u00e5"},"content":{"rendered":"

Det h\u00e4r inl\u00e4gget, eller snarlika, har jag b\u00f6rjat p\u00e5 ca en miljon g\u00e5nger under december. Och sedan sl\u00e4ngt. F\u00f6r kan andra f\u00f6rst\u00e5 och relatera till det h\u00e4r?<\/p>\n

Men nu kommer besvikelse-artiklarna p\u00e5 rad i mitt fl\u00f6de, s\u00e5 m\u00e5nga som haft s\u00e5 tr\u00e5kigt och inte f\u00e5tt g\u00f6ra den eller den resan eller upplevelsen, som talar ut just nu. S\u00e5 jag g\u00f6r \u00e4nd\u00e5 ett sista f\u00f6rs\u00f6k att ber\u00e4tta om mitt 2020.<\/p>\n

Men f\u00f6rst. F\u00f6rst\u00e5s var 2020 s\u00e4mst f\u00f6r v\u00e4rlden i stort. F\u00f6r alla de m\u00e4nniskor som miste sina liv, som miste n\u00e5gon n\u00e4ra. F\u00f6r alla de som f\u00f6rlorade sina jobb, sitt f\u00f6retag, sitt livsverk. F\u00f6r de gamla som f\u00e5tt sitta helt ensamma. F\u00f6r alla de flickor i v\u00e4rlden som i \u00e5r tvingade sluta skolan och i st\u00e4llet gifta sig. F\u00f6r alla familjer i v\u00e4rlden som slungats tillbaka i fattigdom igen. Det \u00e4r inte det jag f\u00f6rs\u00f6ker s\u00e4ga h\u00e4r. Inte alls.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

Men f\u00f6r mig personligen var 2020 inte s\u00e4mst<\/h2>\n

De senaste 16 \u00e5ren av mitt liv har kantats av st\u00e4ndiga kriser och tragedier. S\u00e5 \u00e4r det och det finns inte s\u00e5 mycket mer att s\u00e4ga om det.<\/p>\n

2004<\/h2>\n

Fr\u00e5n den d\u00e4r dagen 2004 p\u00e5 f\u00f6rskolan, n\u00e4r f\u00f6rskolel\u00e4raren sa:<\/p>\n

-S\u00e5 du tycker inte att det \u00e4r n\u00e5got fel p\u00e5 honom du?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Det var f\u00f6rsta g\u00e5ngen chocken drabbade mig. D\u00e5 obekant till sin karakt\u00e4r, nu s\u00e5 o\u00e4ndligt v\u00e4lbekant. Efter s\u00e5 m\u00e5nga duster tillsammans.<\/p>\n

Tunnelseendet som begr\u00e4nsar synen. Jag vet att det fanns en f\u00f6r\u00e4lder till d\u00e4r i kapprummet, men jag kunde inte se henne, synen r\u00e4ckte inte \u00e4nda dit. Hj\u00e4rnan som b\u00f6rjar selektera, sl\u00e4pper in vissa sinnesintryck och st\u00e4nger ute andra. Slumpm\u00e4ssigt. Jag minns fortfarande hur det l\u00e4t n\u00e4r barnvagnen rullade hem \u00f6ver gatstenarna den dagen, men jag vet inte vilken \u00e5rstid det var. Inte n\u00e4r p\u00e5 \u00e5ret det h\u00e4nde.<\/p>\n

In\u00e4lvorna som vrider sig, v\u00e4nder sig, som f\u00f6rst\u00e5r det som h\u00e4nder f\u00f6re f\u00f6rnuftet. Som vill t\u00f6mma kroppen, g\u00f6ra sig av med allt inneh\u00e5ll. F\u00f6rbereda sig f\u00f6r strid?<\/p>\n

Sedan f\u00f6ljde 1,5 \u00e5r av utredningar, st\u00e4ndiga strider med f\u00f6rskolan, bup-bes\u00f6k, \u00e5ngest \u00f6ver skolval och dessutom ovanp\u00e5 allt annat ett grannbarn som gav sig p\u00e5 och som f\u00f6ljdverkning av det, v\u00e4nner som slutade h\u00f6ra av sig. Helt fruktansv\u00e4rda \u00e5r i mitt liv och att f\u00f6resl\u00e5 att en liten ynklig pandemi skulle kunna t\u00e4vla i vidrighet f\u00f6r mig personligen, ja men det blir ju bara skrattretande. Helt enkelt.<\/p>\n

Och f\u00f6ljande \u00e5r<\/h2>\n

Sedan fortsatte det via skilsm\u00e4ssa och 14 \u00e5r av p\u00e5f\u00f6ljande och st\u00e4ndiga konflikter, dr\u00f6mjobbet som lades ner, ett sj\u00e4lvmordsf\u00f6rs\u00f6k i min n\u00e4rmaste krets, en olycka som \u00f6ppnade ett svart h\u00e5l av worst case scenarios, en psykopatisk arbetsplats, saker som jag inte ens orkar prata om f\u00f6r att sm\u00e4rtan \u00e4r f\u00f6r stor, Christofers stroke, min mammas d\u00f6d.<\/p>\n

2020 var \u00e5ret d\u00e5 ingen (ingen m\u00e4nniska, bara hund!) som jag \u00e4lskar dog, eller ens var n\u00e4ra eller f\u00f6rs\u00f6kte d\u00f6. Inga st\u00f6rre kriser eller trauman intr\u00e4ffade. \u00c5ret n\u00e4r jag oduschad och i gympabyxor och med Skype i st\u00e4llet f\u00f6r st\u00e4ndiga jobbresor, fick en chans att vila och komma ikapp. Kanske inte bearbeta riktigt \u00e4n, men i alla fall l\u00e4gga bakom mig p\u00e5 n\u00e5got s\u00e4tt.<\/p>\n

Och kan 2021 f\u00e5 h\u00e5lla sig precis likadant i det avseendet s\u00e5 \u00e4r jag mer \u00e4n n\u00f6jd.<\/p>\n

Att l\u00e4ra sig \u00e4lska att det inte h\u00e4nder n\u00e5got<\/h2>\n

Nej, helt \u00e4rligt. Jag \u00e4lskar inte att det inte h\u00e4nder n\u00e5got. Jag \u00e4r en rastl\u00f6s sj\u00e4l som \u00e4lskar n\u00e4r livet g\u00e5r fort och saker h\u00e4nder.<\/p>\n

Men jag v\u00e5gar inte l\u00e4ngre, beklaga mig f\u00f6r det lilla. \u00d6ver att ha tr\u00e5kigt, eller \u00f6ver att f\u00e5 st\u00e4lla in en resa, att vara tvungen att stanna hemma. (Eller \u00f6ver att n\u00e4sta barn, det fj\u00e4rde, kanske blir det sista, som jag l\u00e4ste en blogg som talade ut om f\u00f6r ett tag sedan!)<\/em><\/strong> Och blir full av fascination n\u00e4r jag h\u00f6r andra g\u00f6r det. F\u00f6r hur v\u00e5gar de, t\u00e4nker jag f\u00f6rundrat? \u00c4r de inte r\u00e4dda att \u00f6det ska f\u00e5 syn p\u00e5 just dem? Och straffa dem f\u00f6r deras \u00f6vermod.<\/p>\n

Inte min kris<\/h2>\n

S\u00e5 h\u00e4r skrev jag i slutet p\u00e5 april och det st\u00e4mmer lika bra fortfarande:<\/p>\n

”Det h\u00e4r \u00e4r inte min tragedi, inte min strid, inte min kris som bara jag ska igenom, medan alla andras liv seglar p\u00e5, obekymrat d\u00e4r ute. Jag sitter inte ensam p\u00e5 en parkeringsficka i \u00c4rlandsbro den h\u00e4r g\u00e5ngen och ringer n\u00e5gon giftcentral.\u00a0Det \u00e4r inte bara jag som flyger fr\u00e5n Borl\u00e4nge till Ume\u00e5 i fullm\u00e5nens sken.<\/em><\/p>\n

Inte bara min v\u00e4rld som ska rasa, inte bara min kopp som ska s\u00f6rja, som ska ligga vaken om natten. Det \u00e4r inte jag som ska l\u00f6sa allt den h\u00e4r g\u00e5ngen. Det \u00e4r inte p\u00e5 mig det h\u00e4nger. Jag ska bara g\u00f6ra min lilla, lilla obetydliga del. Stanna hemma, h\u00e5ll avst\u00e5nd, se Netflix. Den h\u00e4r g\u00e5ngen beh\u00f6ver jag inte ens prestera som b\u00e4st, jag beh\u00f6ver inte utr\u00e4tta stord\u00e5d den h\u00e4r g\u00e5ngen. Det finns inga samtal att ringa till m\u00e4nniskor som h\u00e5ller v\u00e5rt liv och v\u00e5r framtid i sin hand och hoppas att de \u00e4r storsinta nog f\u00f6r n\u00e5d och mirakel. Inga mejl som plingar till i natten och talar om att alltsammans \u00e4r mitt, bara mitt fel.<\/em><\/p>\n

Det \u00e4r vi, hela jorden tillsammans, som ska igenom det h\u00e4r. Vi g\u00f6r det tillsammans. Det ger mig tr\u00f6st och lugn.<\/em>
\nOch det g\u00f6r mig samtidigt fullst\u00e4ndigt livr\u00e4dd.”<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

2021, kom utan d\u00f6d, s\u00e5 \u00e4r jag n\u00f6jd med dig.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Det h\u00e4r inl\u00e4gget, eller snarlika, har jag b\u00f6rjat p\u00e5 ca en miljon g\u00e5nger under december. Och sedan sl\u00e4ngt. F\u00f6r kan andra f\u00f6rst\u00e5 och relatera till det h\u00e4r? Men nu kommer besvikelse-artiklarna p\u00e5 rad i mitt fl\u00f6de, s\u00e5 m\u00e5nga som haft s\u00e5 tr\u00e5kigt och inte f\u00e5tt g\u00f6ra den eller den resan […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":40421,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1516],"tags":[10882],"class_list":["post-41221","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-personligt","tag-corona-virus"],"yoast_head":"\nHej d\u00e5 2020 - f\u00f6r mig var du inte s\u00e4mst \u00e4nd\u00e5<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Det h\u00e4r inl\u00e4gget, eller snarlika, har jag b\u00f6rjat p\u00e5 ca en miljon g\u00e5nger under december. Och sedan sl\u00e4ngt. 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